Last Thursday I treated my good friend Shaz Nawaz to a day out at Trent Bridge, Nottingham, to watch England play the West Indies at cricket in a one-day international. I had booked the corporate hospitality package and we were both really looking forward to the day. In the event, there were only two overs bowled, and we spent the day talking about our shared interests of cricket, public speaking and politics. We had a quite excellent meal, and I drank one of the best red wines I had tasted in a long time. It was this one, in case you’re interested!

Shaz and I both agreed at the end of the day that we had experienced an overwhelmingly positive day. I took my leave of him to go and see my partner in Birmingham as we were off to the South of France for a short break the next day, and Shaz drove back to be with his family in Peterborough. Not once did either of us utter a word of complaint about the fact that we hadn’t seen any cricket.

A few days later, after a lovely few days in Nice with my partner, I had a message from a close relative. Her psychologist thinks she may have bipolar disorder. I thought very carefully before I replied to her message, because I wanted to strike the right balance between sympathy and positivity. Here’s what I wrote: ‘Very sorry to hear this. You have to think as positively as you can though. Many people live full and active lives with bipolar disorder. Stephen Fry is one of them. Also your Uncle F has a good job and an active life’.

The reply came: ‘Thanks for being positive. Some people are saying ‘you poor thing, you must be so low’. In my mind it’s a positive step because now I know what’s wrong with me I can move forward’.

And isn’t that what it’s all about dear reader? Moving forward. Because standing still or going backwards is never an option. I remember seeing a speaker once who told his audience that we are either growing or dying, there is nothing in between.

What positives can you take from your day?

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My client told me that the responsibility of a natural parent is to provide 30% of their child’s parenting, or to be a ‘Good Enough Parent’ 30% of the time. The other 70% of our parenting, according to this theory, is done by others. Teachers, neighbours, friends. relations, etc.

That set me off thinking. Who do I have ‘parent/child’ relationships with, although I have no natural children myself. I have four nieces (well, a lot more than that, actually, but four that I have contact with), ranging in age from 24 to 7. I make sure that I am in regular contact with all of them and try to help them to have enjoyable experiences in life rather than buying them the latest ‘things’. The two youngest have recently been to their first proper concert, and the 18 year old had a contribution to her holiday this year. I try to advise the 24 year old.

I started thinking about my own parenting. I was certainly influenced by those outside my immediate family, although in my case the majority of the people I came into contact with were part of the church my family go to. Thankfully, I went to a normal school and was able to see what a normal life looked like to some extent. That probably helped me in my decision to leave home and seek my own way in the world at the age of 17.

I have the opportunity to influence a lot more people nowadays, through my work as a speaker and trainer. I spent two days last week with my client, helping her to gain confidence in her public speaking skills and supporting her with writing a presentation. At the end of the two days, I thought she was going to hug me! ‘

‘Thank you for being part of my 70%, Graham’ she said.

Then I got it. Being a ‘Good Enough Parent’ doesn’t stop with children. We are all responsible for each other! Isn’t that a grand idea? Whose 70% are you in? Who is in your 70%?

I’d love to be in your 70% too. Comment on this post and I will be! Let’s find out how we can help each other.

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I started off thinking about role models from the world of sport. I wonder who comes to mind for you? I’m a bit of a Spurs fan, and I think Harry Kane, the Tottenham striker, would be a great role model for young people because he doesn’t just do it for the money (he could earn a lot more with a different club) and I have never seen any scandalous stories about him. I would be hard pressed to find another current Premier League footballer that fits the bill. I wonder if you know of anyone?

One of my favourite sports is tennis, and I would cite Roger Federer as a great example of the way to be as a champion sports person. In the women’s game, I always saw Steffi Graf as a great role model, someone with style, grace and impeccable behaviour.

Then my mind turned to role models from the world of politics. I wonder how many of you watch or listen to ‘Prime Minister’s Questions’ when the British Parliament is in session. Perhaps you have something similar in your country. What do you think of the behaviour in general of people in public life? Would you want your children and students to behave in the way that many Members of Parliament behave in their workplace?

In the end, we only have control over our own behaviour, but how many of us are, knowingly or unknowingly, an influence on others? I take my relationships with young people in my life very seriously. I have a responsibility to help them to become the best that they can be, while remaining their own person. A few years ago, my young niece asked me the golden question

‘Uncle Graham, what do you think about God?’

I thought very carefully for a few moments. I was honest with her. I told her that I had believed in God at one point in my life, because I was brought up to do so. Then I had rebelled, at the age of 17, and decided that I was an atheist. Nowadays I am not so sure. I don’t think there’s a God, but there could be.

‘What should I do, then, Uncle Graham?’ came the next question.

‘I think you should go and talk to some Christians, Muslims, Buddhists and any other religion that you can find out there. Then make up your own mind, and be prepared to change it as you go through life. And remember, whatever you decide, I will still love you’.

I see my role in life as helping people to be themselves, and to be comfortable with that changing person as they go through their lives. I have become more comfortable with who I am as I have grown older, and I can only suggest that might be the way to go.

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Christopher Garnett was the only real ‘servant leader’ I have ever come across. The famous quote ‘The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality, and the last is to say ‘thank you’ – in between, the leader becomes a servant’ could have been written to describe him. With Christopher at the helm, everyone knew what was expected. We were there to create the ultimate travel experience, and everything we did was about that, or we questioned why we were doing it. Simple but effective.

From Day One, he was visible. He seemed to know every one of the company’s nearly 3,000 employees personally. I certainly felt as if I had a ‘personal’ relationship with this smart, sophisticated, well-spoken yet down-to -earth man who had higher expectations of himself than he had of anyone else.

The story went around that soon after he took on the job of CEO, he had asked if there was an office available for him at King’s Cross. He lived in London, and head office was in York, so he wanted to spend one or two days a week in a London office.

‘We have been expecting this, Mr Garnett’ came the reply from a former Brtitish Rail manager, who was used to bowing down to the elite BR senior managers. ‘We have prepared an office for you’. This office was massive, with an ornate fireplace, special wallpaper and a large and imposing desk.

The story goes that Christopher (he didn’t like anyone calling him Mr Garnett or Chris) took one look at this office and said ‘You had better give this to someone much more important than me’.

He would collect rubbish on trains, never lost his smile and always had a kind word for every member of the tem that he came across. If things weren’t going well he would listen and try to change the way things were done. The customers came first, and the people who served the customers were a very close second.

Christopher Garnett asked me to apply for a job in training and development. I was successful, and that changed my life. He gave opportunities to many, supported and developed people, while not being afraid to have difficult conversations when they were necessary.

If I have ever been anything of a leader, in any area of my life, I learned the way to do it from Christopher Garnett, Jimmy Stevenson and John Davoren.

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When I work on the railway in 1979, I didn’t expect to find inspiration there. I applied for the job because my girlfriend wanted me to have a job ‘with prospects’. Little did I know that two of the people I would work with there would become my greatest positive role models. The first was Jimmy, a Chief Steward I worked with in the mid 1980s.

I was on standby one morning at King’s Cross. Jimmy came and asked me if I wanted a day’s work, and I went and worked with him and a team on a train to Leeds and back. I was immmediately impressed by how friendly everyone was and how everyone was working together as a team. It didn’t take me long to realise that Jimmy was at the heart of this. He was an energising force, always busy himself, leading by example. Although he was the team leader, no job was beneath him. I remember thinking at the end of that shift ‘That was the most enjoyable day I have had on the railway so far’.

A few days later Jimmy asked me if I would like to go and work on his team full time. I accepted immediately, and spent a very enjoyable year or so working on Jimmy’s team. It really was a pleasure to go to work. he always had a smile on his face, was professional (quite unusual on British Rail in those days) and fair. On the one occasion that I disappointed him and he had to speak to me about a misdemeanour, it was all over in five minutes, and we went for a pint after work as we usually did. My transgression was never mentioned again.

Jimmy trusted me to do my job, respected my opinion and helped me to grow and develop by suggesting that I cover his annual leave. That put me on the path to being a Chief Steward myself by the late 1980s.

Needless to say, when I was promoted, I used all the skills I had learned from Jimmy and managed to run a successful and happy team myself. Who are your positive role models and what did you learn from them?

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In 1979, when I was 23, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I had been to the doctor’s twice, and the doctor had sent me away with medication. Eventually, my girlfriend insisted that we were going to the hospital to see what was wrong with me.

i will never forget the moment I was told that I had cancer. There were several doctors gathered around me, and one of them asked if I had anyone with me. I said my girlfriend was in the waiting room, the woman with bubbly blonde hair and jeans. After a few minutes, one of the nurses came back in to the room with my girlfriend. She is called Anne in my book, ‘Growing Forward’

Anne had a very worried look on her face and I began to fear the worst. I didn’t know you could have testicular cancer , so when the doctor told me that I had ‘a tumour’ and that I would need an operation, I was stunned. And then I saw the future, like a light at the end of a tunnel, and I knew this wasn’t going to beat me. In amongst the dread and fear of the unknown, I felt a certainty that everything was going to turn out well in the end, and that proved to be the case.

Many years later, I was told, by a manager at the company where I had worked for 24 years, that I was not part of her vision for taking the company forward. A few weeks later, I accepted voluntary redundancy from a job that I had mostly loved. After a few days, I realised that there was a way forward. There always is. Nearly 14 years after that devastating assessment of my skills and ability, I have found new ways forward.

I encourage you to find your way forward. I’d love to help too. Contact me on 07766 916317 or at graham@grahamfrost.com

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I met my friend Paul about six years ago. Paul isn’t his real name, and he would be very embarrassed if he knew I was writing about him. Paul is an area manager for an airport retailer. I had a cup of coffee and a chat with him six years ago, and quickly  realised that here was a man I wantedto work with. It was very obvious that he saw his job to be supporting his people to deliver great service and that he had never lived in an ivory tower in his life.

Soon after that first meeting, he was given the job of area manager for one of the regions that I supported in my role as a Learning and Development Consultant. He made it very clear that he saw me as part of his team, even though I wasn’t officially, and I didn’t report to him. He took over from an area manager who was only really interested in achieving his own bonus, and would do anything to achieve that, but was really totally divorced from the reality at the front line of his business.

Paul changed that from Day One. He spent time on the front line, actually serving customers and supporting his team leaders and their people. He set up a weekly communication that recognised great performance, told everyone what was going on with the business and what their part in it was. People couldn’t wait to read it. At his team meetings, recognition was always on the agenda, and he was keen to develop members of his team who wanted to progress within the business. Everyone that wanted a Personal Development Plan had one. We delivered training that was specially designed for his team, and we delivered it to the people who worked evenings and weekends, not just the Monday to Friday people.

After a year or so, Paul realised that he needed to do something more to keep people motivated. We discussed having an annual awards ceremony where top performers in all areas could be recognised, and everyone could have a great night out to celebrate their success. The first evening was great, and Paul decided that it was going to be an annual event.

Last week, I went to the fourth awards ceremony. Again, it was a resounding success, and there was a lovely moment at the end of the evening where Paul was presented with a football shirt from his favourite team, signed by all the players and framed, as a thank you from all his team for being a great manager for the past five years.

How many managers do so much to support their teams that they themselves are recognised by the people they lead?

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 In early December, I wrote a guest blog post for Alison Chisnell, on her HR Juggler blog. You can read it here. It summed up my 2012 quite well, and with the benefit of a month’s hindsight, I wouldn’t change a word of it, except for giving the England cricket team’s fortunes more prominence than world peace, perhaps!

What I would like to see in 2013 is more justice. There may not be a lot that I can do about world peace, apart from being open and honest about my views and being the change that I want to see in the world (what a powerful quote that is from Ghandi, when you really think about it) but I can make a difference in other ways. I am a member of the Engage for Success movement for a reason. I still hear too many stories about people who are totally taken advantage of by their employers and feel powerless to do anything about it because they are in fear of losing their jobs. On the other hand, there are still too many status-obsessed senior managers who think they are more important than the people they support, who are very likely to be serving their external customers. It alarms me that some senior people in well-known organisations are still so hopelessly out of touch with reality. If I can make a small positive difference in this area during 2013 while earning enough money to live on, I will feel that 2013 has been a worthwhile year.

I also want to become more involved with the Connecting HR group, because from what I saw in the latter part of 2012, there are a lot of my kindred spirits at large there – people who are not satisfied with the status quo. I have also signed up to a quite controversial and ground-breaking accountability programme to help cure me of my tendency to procrastinate!

Personally, I want to spend more time with the people I love, win two or three rounds of the Toastmasters International Speech Contest, continue to be able to listen to wonderful music, get to a couple of days of Test match cricket (and listen to the rest on the radio), and continue with my fitness regime that has me feeling better at 56 than I did at 36. Oh, and see more peace, justice, tolerance, love and equality in the world.

A very Happy New Year to everyone who reads this.

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All of us have something in our lives that we want to do, or wish we could do. I’m no exception to that rule! My current dream, sitting here in my office, looking out on a grey, uninspiring day in Peterborough, Eastern England, is to be able to take a group of cricket-loving friends to the Saturday of a Lord’s Test match, and have a ‘corporate’ box for the day, so we can live like lords, just for the day. Last year I sat in the Warner Stand at Lord’s, and drank champagne at 11.30 in the morning while watching England play Sri Lanka in a one-day international. Just along from us, in the executive boxes, were celebrities enjoying the champagne lifestyle that they are used to. Well, I don’t necessarily want that lifestyle all the time, but a a taste of it now and then would be great. So that’s one of my goals. What are your goals? What are you waiting for? What is holding you back?

I decided that in order to earn enough money to make this dream come true for me I have to set up several different ways of making money, and then focus on the ones that start producing first. I’ll share with you how things go, but there is one thing that I already know for certain, this dream won’t come true on it’s own. I will have to take action to make it happen. So, what is there in your life or business that you know you need to take action in order to change? What are you waiting for?

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2011 has been an interesting year for me, one in which I have met a lot of new people, watched and listened a lot, and therefore perhaps learned a lot. Leadership has occupied my mind much in 2011. I have had the opportunity to practice my own leadership skills during 2011, as well as watch and listen to others. Here are some of the lessons that I have learned, not just in 2011, but throughout the past few years:

Real Leaders influence people in a positive way. Real Leaders build trust, create motivation, assume greater responsibility for outcomes and create the environment and spirit where other people can grow. Real Leaders also take bold stands. A Real Leader guides and coaches, is a catalyst for change, empowers and creates more Real Leaders.

For Pseudo-Leaders, it ‘s all about position, control, authority, technical expertise, talking, telling, giving orders, scaring people and being secretive. Does that ring any bells? Have you ever been ‘led’ by a Pseudo-Leader? How did it feel? How productive was the team, and for how long? Was the team divided into little cliques? Was more time spent on politics than on achieving the goal? Pseudo-Leaders assume that communication has happened, retain power, intimidate, drive, rely on reputation and look for short-term gain.

With Real Leaders, it’s about action, support, mentoring, people expertise, listening, asking, relating, getting input, inspiring, motivating, informing and enlightening, creating consensus, getting feedback, empowering, coaching and sometimes accepting short-term pain in the interests of long-term gain.

A Real Leader will leave a legacy, they will be spoken about with respect for many years to come, because the achievements of the team come first. People are recognised frequently, rewarded often.

As 2011 draws to a close, two organisations that I am involved with and passionate about are riven with politics and the Real Leaders within both organisations are de-motivated, and in some cases leaving the organisation. In both cases this is being caused by Pseudo-Leadership. It’s not just in business, it is happening all over the world of politics too. How many Governments internationally are led by Real Leaders, and how many by Pseudo-Leaders? What about your business or community? What about yourself, because we are all leaders to someone.

My hope is that in 2012 the Pseudo-Leaders will start to be found out for what they are and more Real Leaders will start to emerge and work their magic on the world.

I would like to thank George Thomas, DTM, International Director of Toastmasters International and Ted Corcoran, DTM, Past International President of Toastmasters International, for their presentation at the November 2011 Flourish Conference in Glasgow which inspired this article. www.toastmasters.org  www.d71.org

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